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The Christmas NOUN

Dec 22, 2008 by Jared Smith

Here’s an abstract from the abstracts of “The Christmas Noun“, a fake novel written in the style of “The Christmas Box/Letters/Jars/Sweater”… more or less. Correia is one of my favorite bloggers – it’s hard not to like a Mormon novelist that writes zombie/werewolf/monster novels and owns a gun store on the side.

BOOM

Tim used his Santa hat to wipe the gore from his face. “Man… who would have thought that old people still contained that much blood! They look so dried out, but it’s like they’re pressurized or something…”

“Tim!” Sally screamed. “The portal is getting bigger. Something is coming through! Something big and evil!”

There was a scream of incomprehensible terror from the portal to hell. “HO HO HO” Then a sleigh made of bone and chaos exploded into our world in a flash of fire and a stink of corruption, pulled by eight tiny Hell-Deer, being whipped onward by a horned demon in a jolly red suit wielding a cat-o-nine tails made of Christmas lights and barbed wire.

“On Stalin! On Hitler! On Sodom and Fred!” shouted the demon at its hell-deer. “On Carrot-Top! On O.J. Simpson! On Rosanne Barr! Move your lazy ass, Ted Kennedy! Ho Ho Ho!” His belly shook like a bowl full of jelly. Poison jelly-fish that is!

“Santa?” Sally asked stupidly, as Sally was actually pretty dim-witted, but she was really easy on the eyes.

“No,” Tim said as he pumped another 12 gauge slug into the chamber. “It’s the Anti-Clause.”

“I’m checking my list, and checking it twice, and now I’m going to swallow your souls,” bellowed the Anti-Clause.

“Not if the Christmas (Noun) and my Black Tiger Style Kung-Fu can help it!” Tim shouted.

Am I sick for thinking this writing style is hilarious? More here.

Posted in Humor | 1 Comment »

Speaking/Grammar Annoyances

Dec 10, 2008 by Jared Smith

If you read this blog much, you know I’m not the best writer. If you’ve heard me speak, you know I can barely do so. This naturally makes me the perfect person to rip on others for their grammatic, vernacular, and linguistic flaws.

You guyses

For example, “What happened to you guyses trailer house?” A common deviation is your guyses, as in, “Why are your guyses sheep walking funny?” The proper word is your. Ya’lls is not an adequate substitute. A version often heard in the Northeast is youse guys, as in, “Youse guys from Brooklyn?”

I seen

Bastardized form of I saw. It is commonly heard on hunting shows, as in, “I seen some monster bucks!” Another Outdoor Channel favorite is using was instead of were – “There was three bucks.”

They’re, there, and their

A friend tells the story of seeing a Burger King sign that read something like, “Bacon Whoppers – Their Back!” The manager apparently got a bit snooty when he was told the spelling was incorrect. The next day the sign read, “Bacon Whoppers – There Back!” Some people are made to be Burger King managers.

“Let me tell ya.” or “I’ll tell you what.”

I’m not stopping you, so stop talking silly talk and tell me already. Commonly spoken by former Republican vice-presidential candidates.

Acrossed

The chicken went across the road. Yep, he crossed it. That’s all.

I’m a people person

This is commonly spoken by people that have no social skills. I recently interviewed a girl that had the personality and communication skills of a bar stool. I nearly laughed out loud when she said this was her top qualification for the job.

Buttload

This one just elicits bad imagery. It’s commonly spoken by Mormon housewives – “There’s a buttload of kids in the nursery.”

No offense

When you hear this, you can always replace it with, “I’m a douche bag.”

Should of, would of, could of, or must of

All of the above are incorrect. Replace of with have or at least provide the proper contraction (e.g, should’ve). You would of known this, but don’t because you should of stayed in school. You could of dropped out because English must of been too difficult for you.

Nevada, as in Nuh-vah-da

If you say it like this, you’d better be a Mexican.

Rediculous

Saying ridiculous this way makes you sound ritarded.

Basically

When you hear this at the beginning of a sentence, the speaker/writer means, “Let me use short words of one syllable so that your pea-sized brain might have a remote chance of comprehending a portion of the superior intellect I am about to impart” or optionally, “I’m a douche bag.”

Fustrated

I can’t describe the fRustration I feel when people say this.

I’m nauseous

This means you cause nausea. You more likely mean, “I’m nauseated.” Commonly spoken by pregnant women who may or may not be nauseous.

Well, that’s all I can think of for today. Is there anyone I haven’t offended? What are your speaking/grammar annoyances?

Posted in Humor, My Life | 12 Comments »

Bryan does the Hamster Dance

Dec 4, 2008 by Jared Smith

Don’t mind the minor wardrobe malfunction.

Posted in Family | 3 Comments »