The Christmas NOUN

Dec 22, 2008 by Jared Smith

Here’s an abstract from the abstracts of “The Christmas Noun“, a fake novel written in the style of “The Christmas Box/Letters/Jars/Sweater”… more or less. Correia is one of my favorite bloggers – it’s hard not to like a Mormon novelist that writes zombie/werewolf/monster novels and owns a gun store on the side.

BOOM

Tim used his Santa hat to wipe the gore from his face. “Man… who would have thought that old people still contained that much blood! They look so dried out, but it’s like they’re pressurized or something…”

“Tim!” Sally screamed. “The portal is getting bigger. Something is coming through! Something big and evil!”

There was a scream of incomprehensible terror from the portal to hell. “HO HO HO” Then a sleigh made of bone and chaos exploded into our world in a flash of fire and a stink of corruption, pulled by eight tiny Hell-Deer, being whipped onward by a horned demon in a jolly red suit wielding a cat-o-nine tails made of Christmas lights and barbed wire.

“On Stalin! On Hitler! On Sodom and Fred!” shouted the demon at its hell-deer. “On Carrot-Top! On O.J. Simpson! On Rosanne Barr! Move your lazy ass, Ted Kennedy! Ho Ho Ho!” His belly shook like a bowl full of jelly. Poison jelly-fish that is!

“Santa?” Sally asked stupidly, as Sally was actually pretty dim-witted, but she was really easy on the eyes.

“No,” Tim said as he pumped another 12 gauge slug into the chamber. “It’s the Anti-Clause.”

“I’m checking my list, and checking it twice, and now I’m going to swallow your souls,” bellowed the Anti-Clause.

“Not if the Christmas (Noun) and my Black Tiger Style Kung-Fu can help it!” Tim shouted.

Am I sick for thinking this writing style is hilarious? More here.