Here’s an abstract from the abstracts of “The Christmas Noun“, a fake novel written in the style of “The Christmas Box/Letters/Jars/Sweater”… more or less. Correia is one of my favorite bloggers – it’s hard not to like a Mormon novelist that writes zombie/werewolf/monster novels and owns a gun store on the side.
Tim used his Santa hat to wipe the gore from his face. â€œManâ€¦ who would have thought that old people still contained that much blood! They look so dried out, but itâ€™s like theyâ€™re pressurized or somethingâ€¦â€
â€œTim!â€ Sally screamed. â€œThe portal is getting bigger. Something is coming through! Something big and evil!â€
There was a scream of incomprehensible terror from the portal to hell. â€œHO HO HOâ€ Then a sleigh made of bone and chaos exploded into our world in a flash of fire and a stink of corruption, pulled by eight tiny Hell-Deer, being whipped onward by a horned demon in a jolly red suit wielding a cat-o-nine tails made of Christmas lights and barbed wire.
â€œOn Stalin! On Hitler! On Sodom and Fred!â€ shouted the demon at its hell-deer. â€œOn Carrot-Top! On O.J. Simpson! On Rosanne Barr! Move your lazy ass, Ted Kennedy! Ho Ho Ho!â€ His belly shook like a bowl full of jelly. Poison jelly-fish that is!
â€œSanta?â€ Sally asked stupidly, as Sally was actually pretty dim-witted, but she was really easy on the eyes.
â€œNo,â€ Tim said as he pumped another 12 gauge slug into the chamber. â€œItâ€™s the Anti-Clause.â€
â€œIâ€™m checking my list, and checking it twice, and now Iâ€™m going to swallow your souls,â€ bellowed the Anti-Clause.
â€œNot if the Christmas (Noun) and my Black Tiger Style Kung-Fu can help it!â€ Tim shouted.
Am I sick for thinking this writing style is hilarious? More here.