Chuck Norris vs. Jack Bauer vs. The Unit
Jan 13, 2009 by Jared SmithI’m not sure if it was a dream or one of those subconscious pre-sleep thoughts, but I spent a lot of time last night thinking about the strengths and weaknesses of Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, and all members of The Unit. I wonder who would win a battle between the three of them.
The Unit
Strengths:
- Brotherhood, except that there’s now a chick on The Unit (<– tee hee), and also except the time the colonel knocked up Mack’s wife (but Mack punched him a lot and they’re tight now).
- If they die or are injured, Jonas has them all hooked up with Allstate Insurance.
Weaknesses:
- Most dialog is incomprehensible. For instance, if Jack Bauer demands, “Who are you working for?!?”, the response will be something like, “Betty Blue, Cool Breeze, surrender that intel to that blue suit Bauer most ricky tick.”
- Nagging wives at home.
Jack Bauer
Strengths:
- Able to steal a pistol from an FBI agent, rack the slide, and not eject a live round onto the ground.
- Can go 24 hours without relieving himself.
- Can torture you into giving up information by simply uttering two words – “ballpoint pen”.
Weaknesses:
- His boss, the President, died a few years ago and came back as Jonas Blaine, the leader of The Unit. It may or may not be significant that they both have the initials J.B.
- Chloe O’Brien constantly saying, “It’s good to hear your voice, Jack” in his earpiece.
Chuck Norris
Strengths:
- The cowboy boot roundhouse kick.
- Can shoot 20+ rounds from his revolver without reloading.
- Is pretty much totally invincible.
- Token black friend in a cowboy hat.
Weaknesses:
- Tries (always unsuccessfully) to resolve conflict first without violence. Jack and The Unit don’t roll that way.
- Total Gym infomercial dude.
- Token black friend in a cowboy hat.
So, who do you think would win? And be careful who you pick, Jack and/or Jonas and/or Chuck may retaliate.
