Best Sandwich Ever

May 23, 2009 by Jared Smith

1. Cook bacon. Amounts vary, but it is impossible to ever cook too much bacon. Cook it until it’s crisp, but not crunchy. For all that’s good and holy, do not char it!

2. Lightly toast some white bread. (Warning: Wheat bread should not be substituted. You do NOT want any extra fiber in your body after eating this thing!)

3. Apply a liberal layer of salad dressing (NEVER mayo!), barbecue sauce, and lettuce to bread.

4. While the bacon is still hot enough to make you swear, but not so hot that it requires medical treatment, break bacon into pieces just big enough to ensure you choke, but will not require the Heimlich maneuver. The desired final outcome is that alternating hocking/gurgling sound your body makes while trying to decide if the bacon should go down or back up. (Note: Back up is optimal as you get to chew it more.)

5. Gently layer bacon onto the bread. Do so with care so as to not drop or lose any bacon bits. Doing so is a crime in 23 states.

6. Apply one (1) slice of processed cheese. Real cheese can be substituted, but it’s just not quite as funky to look at in the end.

7. Close sandwich. Don’t worry about sauce spilling out – any spilled during closing will not end up on your shirt and/or chin later.

8. Microwave for 22 seconds (24.35 seconds at high altitude) until cheese is soft and tender and gooey, but not stringy or bubbling.

9. Eat. This sandwich is best served with a side of Cherry Tums.

Best Sandwich Evah!

Yeah, it’s as good as it looks!

(Warning: This sandwich is rumored to result in eternal damnation and torment in some religions.)

  1. 6 Responses to “Best Sandwich Ever”

  2. Any volunteers to come help me clean my kitchen after the tornado of Jared’s artery-clogging masterpiece hit? :o)

    By Mary on May 23, 2009

  3. If you come to help, please bring along a defibrillator. Thanks.

    By Jared Smith on May 23, 2009

  4. Gross. Gross. Gross. It made me vomit a little in my mouth.

    By Melanie on May 23, 2009

  5. Hilarious!! I had very near the same thing for dinner tonight except burger style! thanks for posting something so funny i nearly cried. by the way those yummy animal cookies are still kickin it at the rigby broulims, i could pick you up a bag but i couldnt garantee its safe keeping til you come.

    By jill on May 23, 2009

  6. So torn between “Man, that sounds delish” and “What the crap, I would never eat that”. Mary, do you have the life insurance paid up? In fact, you may want to increase the value ASAP, especially the way the Smith Boys and their triglycerides get along. I’m curious Mel, which sounds worse…the sandwich or funeral potatoes? Anxiously awaiting your reply.

    By Trisha on May 23, 2009

  7. Every day for breakfast I eat Bacon! For lunch, a bacon sandwich, and then I usually drink my dinner!!! The grease in your heart is like oil in an engine!!! Doctors shmoctors! Hell I know old men that smoked all there lives and for all I know never exhaled and they made it past 60!! That will do pig!

    By steve on May 24, 2009

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