Chuck Norris vs. Jack Bauer vs. The Unit
Jan 13, 2009 by Jared SmithI’m not sure if it was a dream or one of those subconscious pre-sleep thoughts, but I spent a lot of time last night thinking about the strengths and weaknesses of Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, and all members of The Unit. I wonder who would win a battle between the three of them.
The Unit
Strengths:
- Brotherhood, except that there’s now a chick on The Unit (<– tee hee), and also except the time the colonel knocked up Mack’s wife (but Mack punched him a lot and they’re tight now).
- If they die or are injured, Jonas has them all hooked up with Allstate Insurance.
Weaknesses:
- Most dialog is incomprehensible. For instance, if Jack Bauer demands, “Who are you working for?!?”, the response will be something like, “Betty Blue, Cool Breeze, surrender that intel to that blue suit Bauer most ricky tick.”
- Nagging wives at home.
Jack Bauer
Strengths:
- Able to steal a pistol from an FBI agent, rack the slide, and not eject a live round onto the ground.
- Can go 24 hours without relieving himself.
- Can torture you into giving up information by simply uttering two words – “ballpoint pen”.
Weaknesses:
- His boss, the President, died a few years ago and came back as Jonas Blaine, the leader of The Unit. It may or may not be significant that they both have the initials J.B.
- Chloe O’Brien constantly saying, “It’s good to hear your voice, Jack” in his earpiece.
Chuck Norris
Strengths:
- The cowboy boot roundhouse kick.
- Can shoot 20+ rounds from his revolver without reloading.
- Is pretty much totally invincible.
- Token black friend in a cowboy hat.
Weaknesses:
- Tries (always unsuccessfully) to resolve conflict first without violence. Jack and The Unit don’t roll that way.
- Total Gym infomercial dude.
- Token black friend in a cowboy hat.
So, who do you think would win? And be careful who you pick, Jack and/or Jonas and/or Chuck may retaliate.
17 Responses to “Chuck Norris vs. Jack Bauer vs. The Unit”
I’d have to go with Jack. I haven’t watched any of these shows, but he wins in the looks department…I’d love to hear his voice in my earpiece any day:)
By Trisha on Jan 14, 2009
Trisha-
You haven’t seen the show, so I’ll fill you in. If you like Jack, that’s cool. But if Jack likes you back, you’re 91.2% likely to die or become a terrorist yourself this season. The odds increase to 98.3% if you live longer than one season.
By Jared Smith on Jan 14, 2009
I don’t watch any of the shows, nor have I seen a Chuck Norris movie…but I am pretty sure Sayid or Smokey could take them all!
By Melanie on Jan 14, 2009
Honestly Chuck could probably win (only because he’s pretty much invincible), but I like the guys on The Unit better (ewww….gross). So they’re who I would be cheering on.
By Erin on Jan 14, 2009
So does that mean I’d die a happy woman??
By Trisha on Jan 14, 2009
I really like the guy on the unit!!
By Kara on Jan 14, 2009
I really like the Unit on the guy! Thats what she said!!!!
By Steve on Jan 15, 2009
As I read Kara’s comment, I wondered how long it would take someone to come back with a comment just like Steve’s. In true Smith fashion, it didn’t take long…and that’s what she said!!
By Trisha on Jan 15, 2009
You people need to read my comments better. I said that first!
By Erin on Jan 15, 2009
Steve would like the guy on the Unit. I personally like the chick on the unit. Jack Bauer is probably the deadliest man in the world. Any man that is willing to shoot a suspects wife in the kneecap to get information out of the suspect ranks high in my book. Good post Jared!
By Aaron on Jan 15, 2009
Erin,the difference between your comment and Kara’s comment is that you said “ewww gross” and Kara didn’t. So Kara REALLY likes like the guys on the unit. p.s. Jack Bauer will kill his boss “the head of CTU” to prevent terrorism. Jonas cant even protect his own guys. He needs to get a tighter grip on his unit. Ha Ha Ha
By Aaron on Jan 17, 2009
# Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
# MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
# Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
By Steve on Jan 20, 2009
This debate shouldn’t even take place! Don’t you know your Chuck Norris Facts?
“Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.”
By John on Jan 21, 2009
This is the greatest blog post in the history of the internet. You have achieved a level of border-diety. I am sending the link to my friends, so that they can witness firsthand the level of coolness to which you have evolved.
And PS–Jack Bauer is my vote. Did you see that flip that he laid on the secrect servant agent turned bad two weeks ago? GREATEST…ACTION HERO…EVER! But if my friend comments he will pick Chuck Norris and have some awesome random fact about why Chuck Norris and Jesus are the only two saviors of mankind.
By Lyle (Trisha & Rob's Friend) on Feb 22, 2009
If they did decide to fight I think that probably Chuck Norris would lose. I mean think about it, Jack Bauer used to work for President David Palmer (Jonas Blane), and they are both the ultimate patriots. I think it is perfectly logical to assume that they would join forces to bring Chuck Norris down. Although it seems much more likely that they would all join together to form a super being capable of ruling the universe.
P.S. Has no one been watching the most recent season of 24? Jack Bauer has been exposed to nuclear radiation and aside from a little twitching he’s still kicking ass.
By Jessica on May 3, 2009
Betty Blue vs Jack Bauer
By JR Galia on Apr 2, 2010
It is gonna have to be Chuck Norris all he is gonna have to do is just look at the unit and Jack Bauer because they both suck asshole and they will be instantly incinerated
By kris on Apr 23, 2011