In a feeble attempt to ensure that all American's are prepared for 'who knows what', the Office of Homeland
Security has a Web site - Ready.gov. As such, they created all these
illustrated graphics to visually describe what to do in certain situations (i.e., a nuclear bomb explodes in your pantry).
Besides, the US government knows full and well that
people in America would much rather look at funny pictures than read something informative.
These are ACTUAL images from the ready.gov Web site. The fun thing is that
these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few (mis)interpretations.
Jared
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor. Be sure to properly balance the likelihood of cancer throughout the entire body by turning away from the radiation source.
In the event of a chemical attack, choke yourself til you see colors,
your hair turns blue, and your eyes disappear.
When in doubt, roll the fallout shelter sign down the stairs.
If the door is jammed, use a large arrow to pry it open.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
If one flashlight doesn't work, then two should do the trick.
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at
least one(1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead,
dead eyes, run away.
If Michael starts foaming at the mouth, run even faster.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common.
Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend
to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, kiss your *&% goodbye.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
Car radios also emit radiation. Be sure to protect your ears!
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have
mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If your local authorities are unavailable, try calling across the country.
Don't let grey skies get you down.
Burning your house down does NOT help!
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close
the window. No one wants to see that crap.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio,
cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until
they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look
for it. Instead, cry and throw a tantrum.
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
When possible, purchase a car with an ejection seat.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against
radiation, so stand very close to it.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least
you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.
Bribe terrorists to leave you alone with American consumer devices.
Bush's hometown - no great loss.
Terrorists usually have terrible indigestion from eating our food. Don't
use the restroom after they do!
Terrorists or Michael Jackson may try to contaminate your laundry detergent.
Smell clothing to ensure it's fresh and clean.
To confuse cyberterrorists, set all the clocks on your electronic appliances
to different time zones.
If you see a nuclear explosion on the horizon, drive in reverse on the
wrong side of the road, pull to the side, and wait for the blast to hit you.